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Friday, March 2, 2012

Day Twenty Four

I woke up with a start in the wee hours, dreaming the Banker was sobbing, "Mom, please, I hate homeschooling, I haven't got any friends, I'm lonely!"  

I don't know what brought it on but there was no way on earth I was going back to sleep.  I lay there and stared at the ceiling for a couple of hours then I got up and it's wrecked my whole day. 

He seems happy enough today but I'm staring at him wondering...sort of like when you have that dream that your husband moves out to go live with some firmbodied blonde (or is that just me) and I wonder all day what I don't know.  

Banker seems happy enough today.  He is currently working on a Sudoku puzzle, humming and singing.  That's happy, right?  He's so linear.  I thought having him do one (easy!) every once in a while would shake him up and makes him think outside the box, or boxes as the case may be! HAHA  See, even frantic I crack me up.  He's struggling with it and getting really annoyed, this is a good plan, he needs to have to work for something that doesn't come quite so easy as most of the other work he does.  Who'd have thought it'd be a puzzle that drove him mad.  

He flew through his work this morning then gave me a complete lecture on acceleration, speed and time as it pertains to two cars travelling on either a flat or on a slope.  *I glazed over but nodded at the appropriate times I'm sure".  He loves so much of what he's learning. It's so satisfying to hear him humm and sing and explain it all to me at the end of the day or while we are driving to the store or while I'm in the bathroom, through the door.  It's all knowledge to be shared of course!

That being said, I have known for a long time that he hasn't been really challenged.  He's managed to get away with not working very hard at all.  Lowest common denominator at public school and all that.  "Mom, I read comics on the couch during math/english/science/social studies while the rest of the class finished their stuff".  It has been very very interesting watching him have his butt kicked by this puzzle.  He hasn't done these before ...  it's quite the experiment watch him change how he thinks.  Outside the straight line kiddo.  He's struggling and succeeding simultaneously; fascinating.  He got so incredibly frustrated that he didn't finish it in record time, he just offered to do ANYthing other than have to finish the puzzle.  I like seeing him have to work for it.

I do realize that being freaked out and suddenly panicked that you've ruined your child's life and happiness based on a dream is insane, just so we're clear, I do know it.  Knowing you're completely mad and changing it are two completely different things so I'm stuck in this manic space today. 

We are going on vacation next Friday, to New Mexico, to camp in the desert.  I'm really looking forward to it, we both need the break.  We have both been working really hard.  We have seen more people during the week than we ever have so why did I dream he was so very very unhappy.  

I'm not going to overthink it, overworry it or even worse, talk to him about it.  You ask someone too many times if they are happy and they'll start to be very very UNhappy about it.  It's like being asked 'are you ok'? after a while you aren't.

We usually go to happy hour on Friday's with friends but I'm going to blow it off this week.  Doesn't really make sense to NOT go spend time with friends and kids and tequila but I feel we need to change it up a bit.  I may rent a chick flick or something trashy on pay per view  and I'm going to let Banker get on his Xbox and headset and blow the smithereens out of monsters with his friends.  Maybe he needs to blow off some steam with 12 year old boys and make crude almost dirty jokes, "you said you're going to spatchcock the chicken *snicker snicker*" all the while killing off aliens in an online mob.  Ahhhh, sweet childhood. 

I'm going to have a cocktail here now, happy hour at my house at 11:58, rebel :)  We are both in jammies and intend on staying that way.  I'm hoping my feeling of dread passes and the fact a stupid dream can mess me up also passes.  Truly, I'm not bipolar, I just find it hard to be my own cheering section and yes, I can be messed up by a dream, a look or by having to constantly and perpetually ask for validation at my own house, although I dole them out, compliments or kudos don't happen here for me.  I'll admit, today I am back on the "are we sure I'm not going to break him?" bandwagon, but maybe not quite so squarely as I have been.  Stupid dream. 


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